Running in Circles

Some say these pandemic days feel like the film “Groundhog Day”. I came across a blog post I wrote in 2011 when I felt like that, too. At the time, I decided that “The Universe has a way of moving us along to the next stage of the game of life, exactly when we’re ready and meant to be there.” I keep reminding myself to surrender to what is.

Clarity Tribe

Photo credit: Fuzzybearphoto, Dreamstime.com

I frequently find myself running in circles. No matter how fast I run, or how hard I try, when I get to the finish line, I find myself straight back at the starting line, poised to re-enter the race.

It’s like a perpetual Groundhog Day (see the film trailer). I go through the motions with apathy, and expect things to change. They don’t. So I get up the next morning and do the same, with maybe just a tiny tweak. I still find myself arriving where I started. I get frustrated. It becomes a puzzle, not unlike a Rubik’s cube.

What haven’t I noticed? What isn’t lining up yet?

No matter how much energy I expend, no matter how much I analyze, very little changes. I just keep running in these darn circles, praying for a miracle, a way out, a hand up, a spring forward. It mocks me, knowing it has me trapped in its maze.

Then I remember…

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Back on the Veggies

Yesterday, I got beef chow mein take-out. I realized I’m attracted to fast food when I want my life to be easy. Having someone else do the cooking (like my mother did) makes me feel cared for and loved.

The food, however, is usually a disappointment.

I felt awfully bloated afterward. During the night, I felt congested. I decided that’s it. There was a reason why I didn’t eat wheat for six months. After just a few days of splurging on a few wheat-containing items, I decided it wasn’t worth it. I went back on the veggies. Today’s grocery bag included a bag of salad, a bag of organic broccoli and cauliflower florets, and 2 bottles of spring water.

Lunch was two organic eggs fried (at a low heat) in organic extra virgin olive oil (cold-pressed).

I’m starting to get back on track.

Today’s Grocery Bag

Today, I spent a couple of hours sitting on rocks at the beach pondering my life and my feelings. I wrote in my journal. Quite profound stuff, really.

Okanagan Lake, Kelowna | Photo credit: Annie Zalezsak

I felt doubt about choices; uncertainty about the right path to take. I wanted life (and food) to be easy. Having missed lunch and it being nearly 4 p.m., I went shopping. This is what I got:

I admit today’s grocery bag was still off kilter. What’s so bad about these items? Well, it’s the Doritos, mainly. Chocolate, I allow, although it’s usually organic milk or dark.

My ordinary diet would include occasional tuna. I’d have salad, but buy organic greens, and certainly not one packaged with dressing and croutons. I avoid tins unless they have BPA-free lining (and even then, must have organic contents, no MSG and very limited beans and legumes). Nuts, including peanuts, are okay every now and again. Sea salt is okay. It’s that these are roasted with highly processed canola and soybean oil.

Of these, tonight’s dinner was the caesar salad with a side of Zesty Cheese Doritos.

I only ate a couple of those croutons. I realized as I began to eat, that I actually did not need or want those. The Doritos were a bit difficult to stop once I started. I still had chocolate left from the other day, but by the end of the evening, I dipped into one of the new bars, too.

*sigh!*

Here’s hoping for a better day tomorrow.

© July 13, 2013 | Annie Zalezsak