Someone said something at me. Not to me, not directly; but it was obvious it was intended for my ears.
It made me angry. It made me mistrust her. It even made me think I hate her and never want her in my presence again. A virtual stranger says a few words I take personally as a judgement of me, and it sets me into a complete tizzy. Which makes me call her names in my journal, and changes a big decision on a direction I was heading, turning me 180 degrees around.
At first, it seems like I’m giving away my power to this person.
I work through the emotions. They are all over the place.
But the more I write them down, I pare away at the truth.
I realize that this is happening, because a choice I made to go down a certain road, no longer feels like it’s in my best interest.
In my mind, it seemed like a good idea, and for months I’ve been planning for this. But right here and now, it feels all wrong, and this woman showed up to scream it in my face. Indirectly, so I’d take issue, and uncover the real, less magnificent (but ultimately more important) choice for the next step in my life.
Sometimes, clarity is triggered in an unpleasant way. The important thing is listening and being willing to change plans according to what feels right and empowering.
Triggered Clarity © January 1, 2018 | Annie Zalezsak
Sounds and scents take me back to long ago distant places that seem here and now, tugging my heart, whispering in my ear, “Come back!”
The pools in my eyes attest to the futility of the idea that it could ever be re-lived. Even my mind knows the truth: that my memory lies by omission.
Sounds and Scents © December 7, 2017 | Annie Zalezsak
Our Mother Earth cradles us,
provides our every need.
Her boundless love
despite our growing greed.
Like rebellious children
her boundaries we test;
yet by her unconditional love
and providence, we are blessed.
Please stop poking and prodding her.
Give back her dignity.
Surrender to HER rights.
Let her rest.
Let her heal.
Let her BE.
Love Our Mother Earth © November 26, 2016 | Annie Zalezsak
(Inspired by the Pray for Standing Rock worldwide synchronized events, specifically the meditation held at the Pandosy Peace Centre in Kelowna.)
Sometimes, I don’t know what I believe until I have to voice it.
But louder than my voice, are my actions. Before I am even consciously aware of what I believe deep down, the obvious is stated in my day-to-day behaviours. Observers may see more clearly, what I barely acknowledge in myself.
Beliefs are often unconscious. I’m especially disconnected from beliefs underlying my worst habits. I succumb to unpredictable behaviours that contradict my conscious intentions.
Identifying and changing my core beliefs (in order to change my outcomes) seems like a lot of hard, deep-digging work.
So, for now, if I catch myself sabotaging:
- I accept it, forgive myself, and move on;
- I’m honest with myself about the benefits I got from this; and
- I reflect on what I can do better next time.
Beliefs shift slowly. Human behaviour takes time to evolve.
Beliefs and Behaviour © November 18, 2015 | Annie Zalezsak
The power of a scent to trigger a memory is astonishing. Walking along a street, a myriad of fragrances cause us to drift through time.
Café. Coffee. Mother’s addiction: French Roast. Strong. Lots of sugar.
Coffee and cigarettes, my mother’s greatest indulgences.
The aroma of coffee flashes across my mind the image of her at the table. Smoking. Drinking coffee. Complaining how she still has not won the lottery. Then, laughing at herself. Grinding the French Roast in the coffee grinder.
That whirring sound.
Coffee. Again. Cigarettes. Again.
Stuck in the cycle of that memory, by a smell…
until another scent takes its place.
Today, the sun was shining. I got out of bed in a bouncy fashion (rather than the usual, rainy-day dragging myself reluctantly out of bed) and I was very motivated to get errands done (which I had been procrastinating over, for a good week and a half!). It is amazing how much a little bit of sunshine can enhance mood and energy! 🙂
I woke up this morning thinking same-old, same-old. What I really need is a change in direction. A big change. Something to commit to. Something that will make me bounce out of bed each morning with enthusiasm and vigour! Something exciting! Something meaningful.
For a long, long time now, I’ve just been doing the same thing. Get up, go to the computer, stay on it well into the wee hours, then go to bed. While I love what I do, there is something huge missing. I am still an observer of life, reporting on it, rather than an active participant.
Reporting on my thoughts and my life is a great outlet! But I want more to report on! Something Real going on in my life that makes a difference to the wider world. The only way I’m going to get a different result from my life is if I change direction. Today.
It’s taken me a while to warm up to blogs. Having over a dozen websites out there, I didn’t see the point. Up until now, I rarely read blogs. I found them to be endless ramblings of unknown people whose thoughts I have no time to listen in on.
Lately, though, I’ve seen some really awesome blogs! There are some very thoughtful, insightful writers out there, who have written some really good stuff.
And then, I also started to think, keeping a journal is an awesome idea. I used to do that in the days when I actually used my hand to write (instead of a keyboard). I keep meaning to write, simply for the sake of writing. So now, here I find myself, starting my own blog, purely for the purpose of writing out my own thoughts! It really doesn’t matter if anyone reads it.
So, here I begin my Annie Zed blog.