As I re-read my previous posts, I recognize the significance of their content in relation to who and where I am now. A remarkable inner and outer transformation occured during my week in Portugal. And if I hadn’t written what I wrote before, I may not truly connect with just how far I have come; and how, once desire is Voiced, the universe orchestrates the Answer.
When we truly follow an intention to “go with the flow”, miracles happen. Trusting, moment by moment, is the path of Clarity.
I am going to Portugal for a week. I went to the same area a little over 3 years ago, and was in a very different head space at that time. Back then, the holiday was about letting loose in the sun for the sake of fun. It was about karaoke bars till the wee hours, all day sleeping on the beach, jet ski and tube rides.
This time, it’s low season and I’m seeking clarity on my direction in life. It’s about time out, getting an objective perspective from a distance, and relaxing. It’s about wandering walks, talks, and observations – at least, that is what I’m anticipating.
With both holidays, the intention was/is to completely go with the flow, be spontaneous, and enjoy whatever comes along. No particular plans, no schedule, no itinerary.
Interesting how the same holiday in the same location with the same travel companion can feel completely different when it is experienced at a different stage in life!
Today, the sun was shining. I got out of bed in a bouncy fashion (rather than the usual, rainy-day dragging myself reluctantly out of bed) and I was very motivated to get errands done (which I had been procrastinating over, for a good week and a half!). It is amazing how much a little bit of sunshine can enhance mood and energy! 
A moment of revelation: in all this swaying back and forth about where I should live, Canada or the UK, wondering why the decision between staying and going is so difficult, it dawns on me. I’m here, because my stuff is here. I am so attached to my stuff that it keeps me stuck. The attachment bonds me. The weight of it makes it too heavy to shift, too complicated move, too emotional to release. So, I stay put, hemmed in by materialism that has no meaning or depth other than the thoughts I have assigned to them.
I am a nomad at heart: desiring to move, travel and experience places, people, situations, and possibilities. As a nomad, I’d carry very little. With all that I’ve accumulated, no wonder travel is so difficult.
In meditation, I confronted the feeling to ‘stay’. Spirit humoured me, and said: “Should we help you by burning it down?” (to make the load lighter, easier for me to leave). This made me smile. Sure, I could cremate pieces in a kind of ritual of significance, a symbol of transformation. Or, I could leave it all for someone else to pick through and trash. (I’ve resisted this idea, thinking I couldn’t bear the disrespect that entails, as if it would be personal. Yet, at the same time, I’m aware of industries that rape the earth for resources, the epitamy of disrespect, and I sit by, watching, doing nothing. How can my art, my books, compare to that kind of blatant murder?)
Does it really matter what happens to my stuff or how it ’goes’? “You can’t take it with you” in the ultimate ‘leaving’ (the planet), so why worry about taking it with you now from A to B? Why allow it to stop you from doing anything? It doesn’t really stop you at all!
I’m here because my stuff is here, and now that I’m aware of that, I can change that. I have to detach from the stuff in order to really be free, in order to move on. This means eliminating my responsibility for it, however that may occur. Emotionally letting go of my stuff will allow me to be truly free to be me, unhindered, and able to go anywhere, anytime. Truly.
I found Jacqui Cullen’s blog post today on Clarity Tribe, Do you have the courage to stand still thought-provoking. Especially after yesterday when AutoWindscreens, my partner’s employer, publicly announced that it has gone under administration.
We were already counting pennies. With both of us now with uncertain income, there is immediate panic and worry. The fight or flight response kicks in. We’re likely to do things we normally wouldn’t consider, because of this chaos.
The fact is, someone could buy the company, and within a week there could be good news and all will be well again. The fact is, I’m still determined to stick to my guns and continue on a path that feels authentic to my calling. My truth is, in my heart, I know all will be well, and that staying calm is the best thing to do. Staying calm will keep me connected to my intuition, which will guide me. Jacqui’s words about standing still, mean to me that it is necessary to quiet the mind and really listen. The universe will provide. I just need to be still to be sensitive to the nuances of which way it tells me to go in order to find that providence. When the way becomes clear, that is when the action is to be taken.
I woke up this morning thinking same-old, same-old. What I really need is a change in direction. A big change. Something to commit to. Something that will make me bounce out of bed each morning with enthusiasm and vigour! Something exciting! Something meaningful.
For a long, long time now, I’ve just been doing the same thing. Get up, go to the computer, stay on it well into the wee hours, then go to bed. While I love what I do, there is something huge missing. I am still an observer of life, reporting on it, rather than an active participant.
Reporting on my thoughts and my life is a great outlet! But I want more to report on! Something Real going on in my life that makes a difference to the wider world. The only way I’m going to get a different result from my life is if I change direction. Today.
It’s taken me a while to warm up to blogs. Having over a dozen websites out there, I didn’t see the point. Up until now, I rarely read blogs. I found them to be endless ramblings of unknown people whose thoughts I have no time to listen in on.
Lately, though, I’ve seen some really awesome blogs! There are some very thoughtful, insightful writers out there, who have written some really good stuff.
And then, I also started to think, keeping a journal is an awesome idea. I used to do that in the days when I actually used my hand to write (instead of a keyboard). I keep meaning to write, simply for the sake of writing. So now, here I find myself, starting my own blog, purely for the purpose of writing out my own thoughts! It really doesn’t matter if anyone reads it.
So, here I begin my Annie Zed blog.
